Were those words actually attached to the police station, the court
building, the prisons or probation offices I visited during the course of my criminal journey?
No, they weren’t.
They actually refer to Dante’s Inferno and an inscription above the gates of Hell.
Did I abandon all hope as I frequented those establishments?
With hindsight……Not quite, but very nearly.
It is often expressed that prison in itself shouldn’t be a punishment.
The confiscation of freedom is what is meant to fit the crime.
That’s okay if serving time is only a physical restraint.
Anyone who has been imprisoned will know it’s the psychological and emotional aspects that are the true
casualties of being inside.
I am a Lifer. I did 15 years before I was “released”.
Of course, it doesn’t end there because then there are hostels, probation visits, the threat of recall.
Do I resent the imprisonment or subsequent supervision?
Hell no!
I more than deserved to be banged up. What surprised ME was that, as a country and as a society, prisoners are
allowed a second chance.
Each day – on numerous occasions – I ache because of the pain and misery I caused.
But each day, too, I am eternally grateful that people I hardly knew, people I seldom met, thought they could
make a judgement call and conclude I had served my time and made me a “free man”.
Free in name only? No.
Free to choose the life I want to live……. within the restraints of being an ex offender.
Am I bitter, resentful, angry? No, no, no!!
Upon release I left my old life behind. I had a clean slate; a blank canvas.
I had gained knowledge from prison education courses, books, conversations with staff, fellow inmates and
prison visitors.
The world had new meaning. Living had a greater focus, a more profound sense of purpose.
Over time and with much self reflection, I discovered my own failings; I now play to my strengths.
7
Prison life gave me an insight that not everyone possesses. If you are an ex offender – YOU have it too. It’s not a
super power, but YOU have the ability to wield it and to allow it to overcome good over evil.
That is YOUR power. Because of your time served you know right from wrong. You are not naive. Unlike a lot of
the general public, YOU know where the pitfalls are. You know your weaknesses. You know the consequences if
you go off-piste.
Believe it or not….. there’s a great many people out there who just sleepwalk into danger. You have your eyes
wide open. Your senses are finely attuned to assess risks. You can navigate a safe course through a hazardous
path.
That is a tremendous skill. It is priceless. And the beauty of it is that it is locked away in your subconscious.
As ex offenders are we disadvantaged?
In some respects, yes.
Does society, in general, view us with contempt?
Undoubtedly.
Unfortunately, society’s perception of you is not their problem. Your guilt, oppression, remorse, or a whole range
of other emotions that you carry are yours alone.
You cannot shed them… and neither should you. Your experiences of life make you into the person you are
today. I guarantee you are your own worse critic. You agonize day and night about what you’ve done.
But you know what? You can’t undo the past.
Embrace your offences, no matter how hurtful or shameful they may be.
Don’t let them define you, but accept they have shaped you and sent you on a different course in life.
I sometimes wish I could erase my past and start again. Sadly that is not an option. I detest the person I once
was. It’s almost as if I have a toxic conjoined twin attached to my very being and I cannot remove the apparition
without destroying my whole self in the process.
Therefore, my solution to the enigma is this: Don’t jettison the baggage that threatens to weigh you down
with its overpowering burden. Instead, scoop it up. Cradle it. Carry it as if it’s a precious cargo; a piece of your
sentient being.
Why? Because it is an integral part of who you are. It will accompany you on your entire journey until you die.
It is not your enemy. It is your closest, most intimate confidante.
Allow it to guide you. Nurture you. Embolden you.
Ultimately, love the person you are today. You cannot alter your past wrongdoings. But you survived a traumatic
experience and as a survivor it is never too late to change, to learn, to prosper.
You have an incredible attribute – put it to good use and make your life meaningful, worthwhile and a
celebration of why we are allowed to savour the joys of living.
Let the embodiment of your prison life structure your daily civilian life in a positive way to ensure the
remainder of your time on this wonderful planet is a blessing and not a curse
