I did not start expressing myself through clothing or hairstyle until my 20s. My religious upbringing meant lacy dresses on Sundays and presenting myself with delicate, long blonde hair. When I recognized the effect of clothing style on gender expression, I gravitated towards cheap, second-hand shirts that nearly posed as vintage with their blocky scripts advertising one-off events like “Derby and Donuts, 2001, Gainesville, NC”. These seemingly insignificant articles of clothing were all sorts of random, but I became enamored with them. These quasi-vintage shirts felt more fitting to my core than anything else at the time.
In college, I did not have any money (to say the least), but started experimenting with coordinating bold stripes and plaids or mixing colors. Said colors and prints would not be in the same interior design book, but hey, they matched my moods! Suddenly, my options of self-expression were escalating. Clothing became a creative palette; I loved dressing to match my bright mood or to unmatch my sad mood, if that was the case.
One night following a coming of age and a coming out, I stood in front of a mirror figuring out how to tie a polka dot pink and purple tie over a bright electric blue collared shirt. When I got that tie on, thanks to YouTube, I finally felt like 100 bucks. I started to “experiment” and wear ties, vests, and fedoras, often adding some wild makeup and dangly earrings with my now shortly-shorn hair.
I felt like a new human when I put on dapper, eclectic outfits that complimented my soul. I lacked the terminology then to describe this ineffable experience. The closest expression I had encountered was ‘cross-dressing’; I felt confused about the attention I garnished from others while traversing across bounds of gender. Despite how right this act of inner expression felt, I hardly noticed other folks dressing the way I did.
It was not until moving to Brooklyn, NY that I started to understand that I never fit into strict binary gender roles, but see myself floating in the nebulous glory of not ascribing to the boxed-in gender definitions society has given us. We like to live in neat categorical boxes, but I never fit in that box.
Moving to Brooklyn has brought back my love of fashion post-only wearing sweats during the height of COVID. Today, fashion-forward expressions make a regular appearance in my wardrobe as I yield more confidence in self-expression and identity. That is one of the things I have to thank for my many years on this planet.
