By Matthew Haywood
Since winning Survivor UK in 2023, I’ve tried to use that platform to build my TikTok and try to bring a bit of joy to people online. Most of my videos are usually about me getting outdoors, messing about or trying out some crazy challenges. I try not take life too seriously, I genuinely love making people laugh and helping people switch off from whatever stress they might be carrying for a few minutes.
However behind all of that there is also a huge part of my life and my story that changed me completely and shaped the kind of person I wanted to become. I lost my grandma Bernadette to cancer during lockdown when I was 18, and I honestly think part of me grew up overnight.
She was one of the most important people in my life and we had such a close bond. She absolutely loved Huddersfield Town and football became our thing together. Some of my favourite memories are the two of us sitting watching matches, celebrating goals, laughing together and just enjoying those basic things you never realise will mean so much one day.
Then she became ill during COVID and suddenly everything felt frightening and uncertain. It must have been so lonely for her, as with the restrictions she often had to attend hospital appointments and treatment on her own. Even when she was back home, there were still periods where we could only wave at her through windows or try to speak from a distance instead of properly hugging her and being close to her like a normal family would. I felt completely helpless because all I wanted to do was sit beside her and hold her hand.
Watching somebody you love suffer while feeling powerless to help them changes you. I went through every emotion possible and for a while I didn’t really know how to process any of it. I think a lot of young men experience that because we are often brought up believing we should keep everything inside and just get on with things.
Losing my grandma made me realise how important it is for people to talk openly about grief, emotion and mental health because pretending you are fine when you are hurting does not make you strong, being honest does. That experience is a huge part of why I now speak in schools, work with Andy’s Man Club and Marie Curie, and try to use my platform to encourage kindness and openness. I want young lads to know they do not need to put on an act all the time and that asking for help or showing emotion does not make you weak.
I still think about my grandma all the time and every single time I watch Huddersfield Town play I feel connected to her. Even now I catch myself thinking about how much she’d laugh at some of the ridiculous things I get up to online, although knowing her she’d probably still tell me to stop messing about and get a proper job.
Matthew Haywood won BBC One’s Survivor UK in 2023, becoming the youngest ever winner of the Survivor franchise globally. Since then, he has built a highly engaged TikTok audience of more than 255,000 followers through uplifting, adventurous and humorous content. You can follow him on TikTok at @MatthewHaywoodX.
